#16. Vagina Lecture
CHINDALA MANDALA #16
tl by danluffey
#16. Vagina Lecture
1: [Last night, at the seaside, I bought ten princesses.
An octopus, a pouch, an earthen vessel, a bolt, Mt. Atago...
Pointing upward, pointing downward, long hair, short hair...
The best, of course, is that which puffs outward...
If you don't know what this song is talking about, then you're a real idiot!
1: The Shikido Kinpisho, a classic Japanese sex manual, ranks the type of vaginas in the following order.
2: [1. Suckers
4. Earthen Vessels
5. Meat Buns
3: While you may have your own feelings as to the ranking, I'm sure everyone will agree that vaginas that suck hard are the best.
4: In other words...
5: Vaginas whose sphincter muscles are developed enough so that they can tighten and suck on the penises inside them!
1: Like an octopus...
2: or a sack...
3: Two-level tightening...
4: Or bumpy like herring roe...
5: or like earthworms...
6: All of these kinds of vaginas fall into the "sucker" type!
7: And they're all exquisite!
1: In Japan, there's a phenomenon called "nuka-roku."
2: It's what happens when a man ends up ejaculating six times without pulling out from a woman.
3: I'm sure that depends on the man, though...
4: But considering how male bodies work, it seems a bit impossible...
5: If it really is possible,
6: it would require a strong relationship between the man and the woman.
7: For example, like me and Machiyo-chan.
8: Her clam is still young, but it's quite exquisite.
1: The entrance is tight...
2: So I can't get inside too easily.
3: It needs lots of foreplay
4: before it starts dripping.
5: Then, once I get inside...
6: I get sucked right into its meat!
7: Her walls vibrate and quiver around me...
8: It feels so good...
1: Here's the important part, though.
2: Even vaginas breathe!
3: They don't just suck.
4: They inhale...
5: and exhale...
6: It's pushing me back out!
7: And when it pushes me back out,
8: its walls ripple back up against me.
9: This is the best part!
1: If it happens too many times...
2: then I can't help but ejaculate!
3: With usual clams, after I explode, I wither and slip out.
4: But she doesn't let me go!
5: Here come those undulations again...
SFX: RUB RUB
6: I can feel myself being re-energized!
SFX: RUB RUB
1: Now I really can have another go without pulling out...
2: Do you understand now?
3: Nuka-roku is something that a man can't do alone!
4: The undulations of her walls feel just like a bunch of earthworms!
5: Like you're thrusting yourself into a sack filled with a thousand earthworms!
6: The vagina is a cluster of involuntary muscles, so they spasm on their own, regardless of how the person feels.
7: And when the bumps are tiny, they feel just like herring roe!
8: [You'll remember that at the beginning of this chapter, the word Mt. Atago appeared in the song. This refers to the same type of vagina as the "earthworms." Mt. Atago is located in Minato-ku, Tokyo, near Zojo-ji Temple. There are two paths to the mountain, the male steps and the female steps. The male steps have 72, while the female steps have 108.
1: [In 1634, a vassal of the third shogun of the Tokugawa family, Magaki Heikurou is famous for climbing up the steps on horseback, then plucking a plum branch from a blooming tree at the top and bestowing it to his shogun.
2: [Ever since then, the steps have been likened to the folds in a woman's vagina. Most men who try and make it to the end fall right off their horse.
1: Now, for the second type of vagina: the raiser.
2: [1. Sucker 2. Raiser
3: Raisers have raised openings, like so.
4: This is another exquisite type of vagina.
5: The opposite also exists - "saggers."
6: Saggers have openings that are lowered, like so. They aren't good.
7: Because they're usually in really close range to the asshole.
8: Which means that there's a possibility that when they wipe their bum, they accidentally wipe some excess matter above into... you know where.
9: Try doing cunnilingus on a sagger!
10: Who knows what you might end up licking up!
11: And if the woman happens to be so hairy that you can't find the hole...
12: you could accidentally find yourself nose-deep in her asshole!
13: This is usually what happens when you're dealing with a sagger!
1: It all depends on the position of the vagina itself. The closer the vagina is to the belly button, the better!
2: Why are raisers better? Because it matches the natural upward shape of the male penis, and allows you to really dive in and do your worst!
3: Breast to breast, belly to belly, leg to leg... in missionary position, you want everything to match up!
4: And if you happen to find a clam that's a mixture of both a raiser and a sucker, well, you're in for a treat!
5: Go ahead and marry her! Don't be surprised if you die early, though!
6: There are a lot of idiots out there who think about having sex with white girls. But beware! White girl pussies are mostly saggers!
7: That's why lots of white men sit on chairs when they fuck their girlfriends.
8: Men of japan, rejoice! Japanese women mostly have raisers!
1: Now, moving on... the air that comes out of assholes is called a fart, or "he" in Japanese, right?
2: What do you call the air that comes out of a clam, then?
3: You know what I'm talking about, right? Sometimes, vaginas breathe!
4: We call those "hu!"
5: Get it?
6: HA HI HU HE HO
7: The vowel u comes before e in Japanese!
8: What? You still don't get it?
9: The vagina is in front of the asshole! It's simple logic!
SFX: GEE HEE HEE...
10: That one got you, didn't it?
11: Don't lie, I know you did.
12: That was a good one!
1: Now, for type three...
2: [1. Sucker 2. Raiser 3. Dangler
3: Danglers are vagina with super-long labia.
4: They're also known as "maedare" in Japanese.
5: Takahashi Oden, who's infamous as being the worst wife in Japan, and Abe Sada, the infamous woman who cut off her man's penis, are both said to have been danglers..
6: Which means that perverted women have danglers!
7: Just pretend like there's a squid living inside her hole, and that's what the squishy sensation is...
8: It feels reaaally good!
1: Next is type four, the earthen vessels... they're smooth and earthy! In other words, no hair!
2: [Earthen Vessels
3: Why is it number four? Not really because they feel especially good, but just because they're so rare!
4: Alongside the #4 entry in the Shikido Kinbisho, it was also written that: "any man who has relations with a hairless woman is said to lose his next competition, therefore, samurai should avoid them at all costs."
5: But on the flipside, people who work dangerous jobs like firefighters really like hairless ones.
6: I guess because they have nothing to lose!
7: Courtesans in the Edo Period would often remove their pubic hair, in order to reduce pain during sexual intercourse.
8: They would use tweezers, clamshells, and incense to pull out and burn away the hair.
1: In China, hairless pussies are seen as a thing of beauty. Sex is all about mood, so to each their own!
2: But to Japanese people, being hairless is a source of embarrassment!
3: That's why, in recent times, we've developed special wigs to help set the right mood.
4: If you happen to spend the night with a butterfly of the night...
5: and decide to give her cunnilingus...
6: you might grow a beard!
7: I have a rather prosaic friend who once went on a hot springs trip
8: with the other executives at his company...
1: On the bus, they handed out condoms and handkerchiefs with holes in them.
2: When he asked what the handkerchiefs were for, he was told
3: "it's a crab protector!"
4: I'm not really feelin' this...
5: But with earthen vessels, you don't need to worry a bit about crabs, so that's why they're in the 4th spot!
6: Now, moving on to the 5th spot... meat buns!
7: [5. Meat Buns
8: There's no need for a convoluted explanation here! They're just like how they sound! Warm, puffy, and yummy-looking...
9: The vagina has a high bank, but is also round and pudgy like a meat bun.
1: There are even some areas of Japan where "meat bun" is acceptable slang for vagina. In the Edo Period, they called vaginas "hairy meat buns."
2: With meat buns, it's fun to enjoy their plumpness before penetrating them.
3: You may remember Chindala Mandala #10, the "bun blower" episode.
4: Those women were steaming their meat buns in order to promote pregnancy. Of course, that alone won't do the trick... they need to be eaten!
5: Anyone who knows the fragrant deliciousness of a piping hot meat bun should understand.
6: Steamed hairy meat buns are delicious too!
7: The opposite of a meat bun would be the "bars" that appeared in the initial song.
8: These vagina have protruding pubis bones.
1: Try fusing with one of these!
2: You'll create sparks!
3: Play with fire, and you might get burned!
4: Tonight... I feel like I'm on fire...
5: If a girl says that, beware!
6: I'm really "full" tonight...
7: If she says that,
8: head straight to a hotel!
9: "Eggplant" type vaginas have overly large canals.
10: In other words, they're not tight at all! They're bad grabs!
11: Type #7, "Hairies," refer to girls with long or thick hair.
12: The standard length for female pubic hair is 4cm, with two to three thousand hairs...
1: But there are some women who have hair that's over 10cm long! I can't explain the details, but according to hair astrology, girls with long or thick hair are seen as vulgar.
2: But don't fret, girls with long or thick hair!
3: One of the great beauties of the world, Yang Guifei,
4: had hair that grew all the way down to her knees!
5: She even used it to tease Emperor Xuanzong!
6: In short, it's all about how you use it!
7: We already spoke about #8, "Saggers," so let's move on to #9, "Platers!"
8: Being a plater is pretty much the worst possible fate a woman can endure!
1: Platers are basically vaginas that are as shallow as plates!
2: Now, there are two possible factors at play here
3: The first is that her hymen is making it shallow. The second is that she's missing her vagina altogether!
4: In the Edo Period, they couldn't tell the difference between these, so they just called all these girls Platers!
5: Legend has it that Ono no Komachi had no vagina, but there is no conclusive evidence of this.
6: Nowadays, however, women can get surgery to fix these problems.
7: In Kansai, or Western Japan, the word for "plate" can also be used for the word "new" or "fresh." Of course, this comes from virgins. Traditionally, in Japan, bedding a virgin wasn't exactly a fun idea for many.
8: But for men who have a pioneering spirit, it sure is a lot of fun! Platers really stimulate our minds!
1: Lately, there are a lot of girls who get easily tossed away even when they're young, don't you think?
2: Now for the last, and most certainly least appealing! #10. Stinkers!
3: Also known as "kusabobo" in Japanese.
4: It's when you have BO! Except it's not in your armpits, but down there!
5: If you ask the asshole how the vagina smells, it will tell you - "I don't speak badly of the one who sits next to me."
6: Medical research tells us that vaginal stench comes from smegma that builds up in the labia. But if women with those problems get married and start using their vaginas regularly, these stenches are said to soon fade.
7: There are some, though, who just smell no matter what they do. If you end up meeting one of these girls, it'd be a true tragedy.
8: Whatever you do, don't stand next to someone and take a piss.
9: Otherwise, the lingering scent will waft up and they'll notice...
1: As you can see, there are as many types of pussies as there are people out there. But they all fall into ten large categories...
2: If you lift up a girl's skirt and then realize "Oh no! She's a stinker!" it'll already be too late...
3: From that moment on, every time you see her face, you'll remember just what kind of a pussy she has... faces and vaginas have a lot more to do with each other than you may think! That's what we'll be exploring next time...
#16 / END
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